The Hunters

13. And in possession of a better memory than I have today…

So, obviously, because of the excellent casting of me, my family and other animals in Blogenge Round 3, the people from Paramount have approached me to ask permission to turn the story of my life into an actual real film.  You sound surprised at this.  You mean a film of a small, blonde person writing lists of different things at different points in her life would not draw you to buy popcorn and visit the big screen? What a lack of taste you must have in cinematic gold.  Oh, alright then.  You got me.  Despite the obvious potential for an Oscar, the film is not happening (would you believe it!)  Do not be dismayed, however, for there may yet be a deal from Sony BMG to produce the soundtrack.  Yep, it’s the Blogenge Round 6: the Soundtrack to the Movie of My Life.  The music that would play in the background of the key scenes of The Story of The Lynsey.  Hmmm…

OK.  So, you’re settled in your seats (I’m not going to argue again about this, just go with me people), it all goes black and the drama (or comedy…or documentary…) begins…

Opening Credits:  The music to set the scene.  I’d love to say something really dramatic and powerful.  But it’s supposed to set the scene of the film.  I’d love to think of it opening with a huge African choir or a big ballsy brass piece or lots of cellos.  But none of that would go with the story of me really.  No, it really should be something plinky plonk a la Grey’s Anatomy or Ally McBeal. Not that I’m like any of the characters in any of them, but I just think that the tone would be right.  Sometimes light, sometimes dark, sometimes funny and always full of chatty nothingness, with eternal optimism underpinning major dramas of he says-she says and running out of coffee.  However, the background music to Ally and Grey’s often hints at something tugging-at-heart-strings, whereas I think the opening to mine needs to have a bigger nod to comedy, verging on occasional farce.  I think ‘The Entertainer’ would be perfect.  Plink plonk perfection.

The Love Scene:  Now anyone who knows me really well knows that I struggle to talk about anything remotely related to ‘love’ as in ‘lurve’, if you get my drift.  Anything relating to… well you know…erm…that is, unless you’re in Year 6 and in an SRE lesson, and then I’m great at it!  Anyway, I digress.  Because I can’t say this scene with words, I would say it with totally with music, and have ‘The Balcony Scene’ by Craig Armstrong, from Romeo and Juliet.  There’s something about that piece of music that just takes my breath away.  I adore it.  (And just in case you wondered, the lighting directions for the scene would be ‘off’ and the costume would be something in flannelette, just in case the lighting man was having an off day).

Fight Scene:  Having read some of the other Blog posts for this round, all of which are great as always, it appears we are all rubbish at fighting.  I’m glad about this.  So, I’m going to continue this theme, and pick a piece of music which I’m amazed hasn’t been used by any of my fellow feeble fighters – ‘The Benny Hill Show’ theme tune.  Any fight with me in it would be hilarious and involve lots of scenes of me being chased. Guaranteed.

Death Scene:  This has caused me much ponderification (I know, it’s not a word, but I like it). I suppose the reason for this, is that it would very much depend how I died.  If it was a tragic, moving death in the arms of my love, then I would want something like gorgeous and tear-provoking, like ’Throw Your Arms Around Me’ (the Pearl Jam version) or ‘Flowers’ by Neil McSweeney.  If, however, it was a semi-tragic accident (probably involving plastic wallets or some form of dangerous stationery implement), then something more upbeat to bring hope in the face of adversity would be appropriate, probably ‘Spirit in the Sky’ (but definitely not the Gareth Gates version. I said semi-tragic).

Closing Credits:  ‘Happy’ by Travis or ‘One Day Like This’ by Elbow. Or, obviously, ‘Tomorrow’ from Annie.  Not for any particular reason.  But just because if it’s anything to do with my life, it has to be in there somewhere.  It just does.

So there you have it.  The Soundtrack to the Movie of My Life.  My life so far, that is…

A puzzling thing has happened.  This was the one I most wanted to write about because books are my bag, baby.  I love ‘em (though these daysI don’t seem to get as much time to read as I used to!).  And that, it seems, is the problem.  I adore books – the way they feel, the way they smell, the memories they conjour up and the feelings they evoke- so much so, that I have too much to say!  Books I love, books I have detested, books which have made me laugh, cry, change habits, lose sleep, feel better, a book for every occasion almost!  Where oh where to begin?  Goodness, I thought the films blogenge post had been hard, but this is nigh on impossible!

Right, let’s start with Jane Austen.  You should definitely read ‘Emma’ – that’s my favourite: the heroine is annoying and irritating, and she makes me scream, but I somehow manage to love her lots at the same time. I am quite convinced that Austen is the most tongue in cheek, sarcastic author of all time, a total master! Mind you, ‘Pride and Prejudice’ is brilliant…oh and ‘Sense and Sensibility’ is excellent too…oh.  Is that three?  Hmmm.  Oh dear. This is going to be even harder than I thought.

OK.  Every ‘books you should read’ needs an Enid Blyton title on there, and any politically correct numpty who thinks otherwise needs to get a life, quite frankly.  Mallory Towers and St Clare’s were both schools I wanted to be at, though I admit, the content may be a bit ‘girl biased’, and ‘The Magic Faraway Tree’ books and those about ‘The Wishing Chair’ fuelled in me an intense imagination and a desire to write myself one day.  The Famous Five had something for everyone, and I would have loved to be a member of a gang just like that, and all the mystery books involving the ‘Find Outers’ led by Fatty, were nearly enough to make me consider being a private detective hell bent on catching that dratted postman who was up to no good!  They sum up for me what childhood should be about.  Innocence.  Curiosity.  Being outdoors.  Exploring.  Friendship.  Family.  Loyalty.  Unfortunately, between the Famous Five and the Five Find Outers and Dog, I’ve already got 36 books that I think you should read, and that takes my total way over the ‘five’ I am allowed.  Oh dear oh dear.

I haven’t even started on the books I think you should read because they will change your life, like ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ or ‘Beloved’ or ‘The Color Purple’. Nor have I gone down the path of ‘the many books that are better than the film version’ like ‘The Green Mile’.  Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Then there’s the Bible.  Now which book from the Bible would I say is the best?  The one you should most read?  Oh flip.

Don’t even get me started about classics that you should reread and forget about the way you were ‘taught’ them at school (unless you had someone completely inspirational like I did who just further fuelled my already emerging love of all things literary- thanks Gabriel Watson! Mart, I’m sure you will agree…), and by classics, I mean those such as ‘Of Mice and Men’, ‘Wuthering Heights’, ‘Charlotte’s Web’ , ‘Cat’s Eye’ and ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ and anything Shakespearey (though technically, they are plays designed to be watched, not books for reading)

And then, obviously, one could debate the Mr Men and Little Misses all night!

AAAGGGGHHHHHH!

OK.  Here goes.  The Five Books Everyone Should Read (in no particular order) are…

1.  A dictionary

2.  A thesaurus

3.  Their cheque book (to check the stubs, and reconcile them…it says SHOULD not DOES…)

4.  The relevant Haines Manual for their car

5.  The A to Z of the city in which they live.

While you are looking in the dictionary, could you please look up ‘cop’ as in ‘cop out’…

I’m sorry.  I couldn’t do it.  And actually, I don’t for a minute think that anyone who knows me really well, would ever have expected me to manage it really!  It doesn’t matter what you think of them, just please, please read books.  Love ‘em or hate ‘em, it doesn’t matter to me!  So I’ll close what is a pretty feeble attempt at the Blogenge, despite my love affair with all things bookish, by omitting the words I have failed to limit myself to, thus taking out ‘Five Books’ to just leave… ‘Everyone Should Read’.

So we’re onto Round 4 of The Blogenge, and the title for this week’s entry is from my list.  It’s rubbish isn’t it!  Quite literally!  This has been the most difficult one so far for me, and I’ve been putting it off a lot.  I remember that it was a throwaway comment that my sister-in-law happened to make about Muller Tropical Crunch Corners having changed and her being so annoyed she was going to write to the makers to complain which made me add it to the list (I was writing it at the time she spoke!) and now I wish I hadn’t listened.

But, life is like that, I guess. We all have tough tasks to face and to get through, even if it is with gritted teeth.  So, here goes.  Rubbish changes to good food.

Well, my post involves a trip back in time and a flashback sequence of memories and images accompanied by the sentimental theme tunes of my childhood and youth.  The good old days.  Days when a Wispa was a decent length and thickness, and there was definitely more orange jaffa-gel in a Jaffa Cake (as well as them only coming in Orange, and not silly other flavours like they do today).  Days when a Snickers was a Marathon and Opal Fruits ‘made your mouth water’  (Starburst? Starburst? Piffle, I say).  Days when you could buy Cola Cubes and Rhubarb and Custard from anywhere and not just trendy ‘retro’ websites, and days when Pacers still existed (thanks, Dad, for buying me them every Saturday to cries of ”I need their minty stripiness!”)

The rubbish changes to good food for me, come in the form of name changes or changes to recipe…or indeed, in making them extinct (RIP Pacers). Why spoil a good thing?  Why rob a person of the taste of their memories? It’s cruel, it’s not on, and it’s downright rubbish.

So don’t do it.  OK?

Thank you very much.  Lots of love, Lynsey Hunter, aged 33 1/2

‘In a movie of your life, who would play you, your love interest, your best friend, your enemy and your parents?’

Hmm.  An interesting question for sure, and one on which I have spent much time cogitating.  You see, the difficulty in answering this is that one must first decide on which path to approach it, and on which angle to base it.  Do you go for actors and actresses that you think most resemble said people physically, so as to bring a visual air of reality to the piece, or opt for those thespians that you think would make a better dramatic job of bringing their characters to life?  And is to ponder on this issue actually to question the very nature of acting itself: surely, any actor or actress worthy of being involved in such a momentous film would be able to take on any role and exercise the brilliance of their craft?  Hmm.  This blog, however, is not the place to begin such lofty debates on the arts as this! More, it is to amuse me, and hopefully entertain the reader.  And so, here goes…

I have decided to cast actors or actresses I believe capture the spirit of the various characters in my film, and in order to maintain the integrity of the piece as a whole, I have cast a few additional roles to bring depth to my piece.  Before I announce the successful artists who made it through the very tough audition process, I would like to remind you that no animals or small children were hurt during filming, and that any likeness to real people is totally coincidental…oh.  That last bit is totally not true, and would, after all, defeat the object of this post.

I decided to start where I started – with my parents. To find the right people to play my family, and by that, in this case, I mean my parents and the additional, but extremely crucial role of my sister, I had to consider not only the qualities I wanted to bring to life in these roles, but also the added je ne sais quoi that provides the dynamic of ‘us lot’.  Not only did I need to find someone to express the deep joy and all action sofa heroics of my dad, the mix of superwoman and Mrs Overall that my mum manages to expertly combine, and the sheer Unique-ness of my sister, but I also needed to ensure that the family blend, the spirit of the Wiggles and the fond ties that bind us all were preserved.  A difficult task.  And so the Wiggles, the first family of the film, were born.  Bill Tarmey, (Jack Duckworth) was the obvious choice for BBJ (Big Bad Jeff) – the glasses, the northern spirit, the love of tradition and all things British, the warmth, the devotion to his wife and those close to him (and the sofa), and the massively gentle and generous spirit hidden in mock blather and cantankering are identical to his role as Jack and are also the things I love about my dad.  (Also, as a side issue, Jack and Jeff both have four letters and start with J so I’m obviously on to a winner.)  Dad down, the rest to go.

Now, the easy option for mum would have been to pick Elizabeth Dawn who played Vera Duckworth, but that would not have been accurate casting in my opinion.  True, there are similarities, such as strength of character, the ability to pull killer faces and not be able to hide them, and the ability to use a sewing machine (when it works).  My mum is my hero and my rock, and I just don’t feel I could rely on Vera 100% in a crisis.  She has a really strong (some may say battleaxe-like on occasions, not me though, Mum, honest!) sense of determination, is a really powerful lady, but is also so incredibly soft and squidgy, and very good at making everyone feel special and loved.  She is a perfect mix of satin and steel, and is a real lady.  And occasionally she’s funny…or at least she tries to be…however, she’s funniest unintentionally!  And for this reason, I have cast Dame Judi Dench in the role as my mum.  She’s an actress I respect, she’s a lady, she’s blonde which helps for the visual, and she mixes warmth, strength and humour (though I think her humour is more intentional than that of the Mothership!)

That’s the parents sorted then!  So onto the sister.  Wow.  Where to begin.  I know we didn’t say siblings, but she is far too important to leave out.  Plus, she will provide the slapstick and comedic element of the piece, and is the character everyone will love. Now to cast a blonde bombshell would be too obvious, and quite honestly, would underestimate the depth of character that is ‘The Jingle’.  So though I considered them as possiblilities, Cameron, Charlize and Gwyneth didn’t quite make the cut.   What I needed was someone who mixes sheer comedy with the ability to be serious and dramatic when needed, someone who has an extraordinary mix of talents and the ability to do many weird and wonderful (as well as caring, compassionate and lovely) things, and who I would love to spend time with (and drink copious cups of tea with whilst putting the world to rights!)  And so it came to me in a flash of brilliance!  Whoopi Goldberg!  Perfect!  She embodies all of the qualitites of the J, does work for charities and overseas just like the J, is hilariously funny, just like the J, can be totally inappropriate whilst being totally respected at the same time (I stilll don’t know how she does it!)  and she can hold a tune, just like the J.  Also, she was in Sister Act 2, one of our favourites (and strangely appropriate given that she would be Acting as my Sister), and obviously, they are totally identical in looks, almost two peas in a pod.  (OK, so one bit of that wasn’t actually fact with a capital F…)

My best friend would be very difficult to sort, because, my true best friends are my mum and my sister, and they’re already cast.   So, what I’ve decided to do is cast one ‘best friend’ that is made up to be representative of my other best buddies who are my closest friends in different ways, but all incredibly important in my life.  So, I need to find one person to embody the Martin-ness of the Usher (can’t think of the right words to describe him, he just ‘is’), the bubbly loveliness of SJT, the loyalty of Mrs R with her ability to talk about emotions and all the tough stuff, and the reliablity and fun of my work friend, the Hoover, and bring all their best friend-ness to life.  They’re all classics, like Bogart or Hepburn, they make me laugh like Sandra Bullock in ‘Miss Congeniality’ and I just think they’re fab to spend time be it in a drama or crisis, or for fun and games!  There we go, Will Smith it is. Brilliant.  He’s dramatic, reliable, funny and also a hottie, and so are they all! Hurrah!

OK, that’s the family and the friends.  Enemies, I can’t do because I don’t feel I have any (ah, bless!) So I’m simply casting Gary Oldman as a ‘baddie’ encompassing bad things that make the world bad because he’s really good at being a baddie (think ‘Leon’), and obviously I want to win an Oscar.

So we’re left with me and the love interest (wahey!)  Now, in the role of my hubby, I was going to cast Chad Michael Murray from One Tree Hill, and the reason was just going to be ‘because he’s a fittie’, obviously!  But I then realised that a) this doesn’t do the hubby full justice; b) the casting would not have had the same careful consideration as for the other roles, and thus the integrity of the piece may have been compromised and c) it wouldn’t be me playing me so what would be the point!!!  So I thought a bit harder.  I needed someone suitably handsome, with rugged good looks, with the image of being quite cool and mysterious; all mean, moody and dark, but with an incredibly soft, loving, sensitive and emotional side. (The hubby would like me to point out that the soft, loving and sensitive bit is dramatic licence on my part, and would like to reiterate that he is a hardman of the hardest variety, and don’t you forget it sunshine!) End result.  Tim Roth.

And to play the sunshine to the darker Mr H?  Step forward Jane Horrocks, playing the leading role of moi. Slightly batty, ditsy to the extreme on occasions despite being intelligent (at some things…), but inside the barminess, depth, softness and obviously, a total love of both musicals and Strictly Come Dancing!  Naive and over trusting with people, but successful in the workplace.  A bit of a giggler but with a steely focus when needed, and ultimately, an actress I love.  

And so, with the Tazmanian Devil playing the whirlwind we call Sam, the cast is complete.  Now all I need to do is go shopping for a red carpet dress, and dig out my old Bontempi on which to compose the soundtrack, and my work here is done.  Now, how does one get to Cannes?