‘In a movie of your life, who would play you, your love interest, your best friend, your enemy and your parents?’

Hmm.  An interesting question for sure, and one on which I have spent much time cogitating.  You see, the difficulty in answering this is that one must first decide on which path to approach it, and on which angle to base it.  Do you go for actors and actresses that you think most resemble said people physically, so as to bring a visual air of reality to the piece, or opt for those thespians that you think would make a better dramatic job of bringing their characters to life?  And is to ponder on this issue actually to question the very nature of acting itself: surely, any actor or actress worthy of being involved in such a momentous film would be able to take on any role and exercise the brilliance of their craft?  Hmm.  This blog, however, is not the place to begin such lofty debates on the arts as this! More, it is to amuse me, and hopefully entertain the reader.  And so, here goes…

I have decided to cast actors or actresses I believe capture the spirit of the various characters in my film, and in order to maintain the integrity of the piece as a whole, I have cast a few additional roles to bring depth to my piece.  Before I announce the successful artists who made it through the very tough audition process, I would like to remind you that no animals or small children were hurt during filming, and that any likeness to real people is totally coincidental…oh.  That last bit is totally not true, and would, after all, defeat the object of this post.

I decided to start where I started – with my parents. To find the right people to play my family, and by that, in this case, I mean my parents and the additional, but extremely crucial role of my sister, I had to consider not only the qualities I wanted to bring to life in these roles, but also the added je ne sais quoi that provides the dynamic of ‘us lot’.  Not only did I need to find someone to express the deep joy and all action sofa heroics of my dad, the mix of superwoman and Mrs Overall that my mum manages to expertly combine, and the sheer Unique-ness of my sister, but I also needed to ensure that the family blend, the spirit of the Wiggles and the fond ties that bind us all were preserved.  A difficult task.  And so the Wiggles, the first family of the film, were born.  Bill Tarmey, (Jack Duckworth) was the obvious choice for BBJ (Big Bad Jeff) – the glasses, the northern spirit, the love of tradition and all things British, the warmth, the devotion to his wife and those close to him (and the sofa), and the massively gentle and generous spirit hidden in mock blather and cantankering are identical to his role as Jack and are also the things I love about my dad.  (Also, as a side issue, Jack and Jeff both have four letters and start with J so I’m obviously on to a winner.)  Dad down, the rest to go.

Now, the easy option for mum would have been to pick Elizabeth Dawn who played Vera Duckworth, but that would not have been accurate casting in my opinion.  True, there are similarities, such as strength of character, the ability to pull killer faces and not be able to hide them, and the ability to use a sewing machine (when it works).  My mum is my hero and my rock, and I just don’t feel I could rely on Vera 100% in a crisis.  She has a really strong (some may say battleaxe-like on occasions, not me though, Mum, honest!) sense of determination, is a really powerful lady, but is also so incredibly soft and squidgy, and very good at making everyone feel special and loved.  She is a perfect mix of satin and steel, and is a real lady.  And occasionally she’s funny…or at least she tries to be…however, she’s funniest unintentionally!  And for this reason, I have cast Dame Judi Dench in the role as my mum.  She’s an actress I respect, she’s a lady, she’s blonde which helps for the visual, and she mixes warmth, strength and humour (though I think her humour is more intentional than that of the Mothership!)

That’s the parents sorted then!  So onto the sister.  Wow.  Where to begin.  I know we didn’t say siblings, but she is far too important to leave out.  Plus, she will provide the slapstick and comedic element of the piece, and is the character everyone will love. Now to cast a blonde bombshell would be too obvious, and quite honestly, would underestimate the depth of character that is ‘The Jingle’.  So though I considered them as possiblilities, Cameron, Charlize and Gwyneth didn’t quite make the cut.   What I needed was someone who mixes sheer comedy with the ability to be serious and dramatic when needed, someone who has an extraordinary mix of talents and the ability to do many weird and wonderful (as well as caring, compassionate and lovely) things, and who I would love to spend time with (and drink copious cups of tea with whilst putting the world to rights!)  And so it came to me in a flash of brilliance!  Whoopi Goldberg!  Perfect!  She embodies all of the qualitites of the J, does work for charities and overseas just like the J, is hilariously funny, just like the J, can be totally inappropriate whilst being totally respected at the same time (I stilll don’t know how she does it!)  and she can hold a tune, just like the J.  Also, she was in Sister Act 2, one of our favourites (and strangely appropriate given that she would be Acting as my Sister), and obviously, they are totally identical in looks, almost two peas in a pod.  (OK, so one bit of that wasn’t actually fact with a capital F…)

My best friend would be very difficult to sort, because, my true best friends are my mum and my sister, and they’re already cast.   So, what I’ve decided to do is cast one ‘best friend’ that is made up to be representative of my other best buddies who are my closest friends in different ways, but all incredibly important in my life.  So, I need to find one person to embody the Martin-ness of the Usher (can’t think of the right words to describe him, he just ‘is’), the bubbly loveliness of SJT, the loyalty of Mrs R with her ability to talk about emotions and all the tough stuff, and the reliablity and fun of my work friend, the Hoover, and bring all their best friend-ness to life.  They’re all classics, like Bogart or Hepburn, they make me laugh like Sandra Bullock in ‘Miss Congeniality’ and I just think they’re fab to spend time be it in a drama or crisis, or for fun and games!  There we go, Will Smith it is. Brilliant.  He’s dramatic, reliable, funny and also a hottie, and so are they all! Hurrah!

OK, that’s the family and the friends.  Enemies, I can’t do because I don’t feel I have any (ah, bless!) So I’m simply casting Gary Oldman as a ‘baddie’ encompassing bad things that make the world bad because he’s really good at being a baddie (think ‘Leon’), and obviously I want to win an Oscar.

So we’re left with me and the love interest (wahey!)  Now, in the role of my hubby, I was going to cast Chad Michael Murray from One Tree Hill, and the reason was just going to be ‘because he’s a fittie’, obviously!  But I then realised that a) this doesn’t do the hubby full justice; b) the casting would not have had the same careful consideration as for the other roles, and thus the integrity of the piece may have been compromised and c) it wouldn’t be me playing me so what would be the point!!!  So I thought a bit harder.  I needed someone suitably handsome, with rugged good looks, with the image of being quite cool and mysterious; all mean, moody and dark, but with an incredibly soft, loving, sensitive and emotional side. (The hubby would like me to point out that the soft, loving and sensitive bit is dramatic licence on my part, and would like to reiterate that he is a hardman of the hardest variety, and don’t you forget it sunshine!) End result.  Tim Roth.

And to play the sunshine to the darker Mr H?  Step forward Jane Horrocks, playing the leading role of moi. Slightly batty, ditsy to the extreme on occasions despite being intelligent (at some things…), but inside the barminess, depth, softness and obviously, a total love of both musicals and Strictly Come Dancing!  Naive and over trusting with people, but successful in the workplace.  A bit of a giggler but with a steely focus when needed, and ultimately, an actress I love.  

And so, with the Tazmanian Devil playing the whirlwind we call Sam, the cast is complete.  Now all I need to do is go shopping for a red carpet dress, and dig out my old Bontempi on which to compose the soundtrack, and my work here is done.  Now, how does one get to Cannes?